R.I.P. Oh Sacred Marriage

Get your box of Puffs. It's time to cry over the death of a great American family. This time, fate has grabbed away what all have held so dear. The union of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline has perished. Oh, K-Fed and Britney, how could it have gone so wrong, so quickly?

Think of the children! No, not your two children, and not K-Fed's other offspring (however many there may be) - but us, your loyal followers.

We learned so much from you, Britney, in the '90s, as we struggled through puberty. You taught 12-year-old Catholic school girls it was okay to have a little fun. You taught everyone it was okay for your baby to "hit you one more time."

We have learned so much from you, Britney, and now you have let us down. Will we ever be able to watch our "Crossroads" DVDs the same again? I know I won't. Now the one who proclaimed that she was "not a girl, not yet a woman" is all growns up.

Kids, a divorce, an unfortunate cover of "I Love Rock and Roll." Holy baby Jesus, Britney, you're making me want to smoke a pack of Marb Reds and drive in the front seat with you!

Britney and K-Fed, this is the reason people voted "Yes" in this state. To protect sacred marriages like yours! If you guys pull any more stunts like that, Doogie Howser's going to move here with his partner and set up shop! And that's just going to make everyone feel icky.

Honestly, could the timing have been any worse? K-Fed just released, like, the sickest album of all time! It's called Playing With Fire. What a totally ill album title. No irony in it at all. But now it's a sunken tomb of lyrical genius. Who will ever hear the fitting epithet from lead single "Lose Control" now? You know, the lyrics that go "Don't hate 'cuz I'm a superstar and I married a superstar/never come between us no matter who you are." Oh fate, you cruel mistress. You came between them, you dirty, dirty whore.

It's making me misty just thinking about it. The day those words were written, it was surely a brighter, better time for all.

There's another song on the album called "America's Most Hated." Uh-oh. Hopefully the Fed has a remix planned (I'm suggesting Diddy for help with that) because Britney Nation is going to hate him so much more.

Good thing Kevin's already spittin' some tight rhymes on the track. Like "middle fingers still up sayin' f**k the globe/and my dawgs still down/ we don't trust them hoes/ Kevin Federline, I come tight with every rhyme/I built a kingdom down the street from Pepperdine /this marijuana got me heavily sedated/I'm Kevin Federline/America's most hated (what!)"

Ohhh, snap! You don't trust those hoes, Kevin Federline. Not while you're all sedated like that.

Some may believe this is just another celebrity divorce. But we all know it's so much more. Where is the Britney we cherished, crying in front of Matt Lauer while claiming K-Fed wasn't sleeping in the basement and coming through the doggie-door?

Where is the Kevin we once knew, content to create new children and play Vanilla Ice?

Here come the tears again. Anyone have a box of Puffs?